If somebody you love is drinking or using, you are allowed to get help for yourself. Not for them. For you. You don't need their permission, you don't need them to be in recovery first, and you don't need to have worked out what you're going to do.
That's what the services below are for. Some are here in Doncaster, some are national helplines you can ring tonight sat in the car outside your own house.
Family support groups. Other people in exactly your position, in a room or on a video call, most weeks. Free, anonymous, and nobody takes your details. You sit and listen until you feel like speaking, and you might not speak for a month. That's allowed.
Helplines. One conversation, when you need it, with somebody who has heard this a hundred times and won't be shocked by any of it. Worth having the number in your phone for 9pm on a bad night.
Local family workers. Aspire Family Support here in Doncaster works with families and friends whether or not the person using is in treatment. That's the local one to know, on 03000 213 900.
Al-Anon is for people affected by somebody else's drinking. Nar-Anon is the same idea for drugs. Both are free, both are anonymous, and neither will ask you for anything. Nar-Anon runs locally through Aspire. Details for both are in the list below.
If you need to talk to somebody today, ring a helpline. If what you need is to stop feeling like the only person this is happening to, go to a group. If you want practical local help that keeps going, ring Aspire Family Support.
Most people end up doing more than one of those. There's no order you're supposed to do it in. If you want the longer read on boundaries, what to say and what to do in an emergency, we've written our longer guide for families.
You'll be asked what's going on and how you're coping. Not what they're using and how much. The question is about you, and a lot of people find they haven't been asked that in years.
You don't have to give their name. You don't have to give your own straight away either, and it's fine to ring and ask how the whole thing works before you tell anybody who you are.
What you say is treated as confidential, with the one limit every service in the country has: if they believe a child, or an adult who can't protect themselves, is in danger right now, they have to act on it. Nobody can promise you otherwise and don't trust anybody who does. What it doesn't mean is that mentioning your kids gets them taken off you. Services here work with families to keep them together where they can, and a parent who rang up and asked is in a very different position from one who never did. If that's the thing that's been stopping you, ring Aspire family support on 03000 213 900 and ask them what actually happens next. It's a fair question and they get it every week.
What they can't do is make your husband, your son or your sister stop. Anyone promising that is lying to you. What they can do is help you work out what you're willing to live with and what you're not, and stay alongside you while you work out how to say it.
If part of what stops you saying it is being frightened of what they'd do, that's a different problem and it needs different people. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open all night on 0808 2000 247. In Doncaster there's also the Domestic Abuse Hub on 01302 737080, Monday to Friday, 9am to half four, and they usually ring back within a couple of working days. So the national one is the number for tonight, and the local one is the number for what comes after. They'll ask for a safe number and a safe time to call you back. They ask everybody that, and it means the call comes when it suits you.
And it doesn't always look like being hit. If they're the one who gets it for you, or holds the money, or you've found yourself doing things to keep them sweet or to keep it coming, that's the same number. You don't have to call it anything, or call yourself anything, to ring it.
Waiting. Waiting until they hit rock bottom, until they admit it, until after Christmas, until you're absolutely certain. You can get support while they're still using, still lying to you and still telling you there's nothing wrong. That's exactly when it helps most.
UK charity supporting families and loved ones affected by someone else's addiction. Founded by Elizabeth Burton-Phillips after losing twin sons to heroin. Offers one-to-one support, peer support groups, family workshops and information.…
National charity for families affected by drugs, alcohol and gambling. Database of local family-support services.
Mutual support for anyone affected by someone else's drinking. Helpline runs daily; meeting finder for Doncaster meetings.
Direct support to family members, friends, carers, parents and children of those affected by drug or alcohol addiction.
12-step programme for families and friends affected by someone's drug addiction. Hosted through Aspire's family support stream in Doncaster.