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Family Support

If you’re here because someone you love has an addiction, you’re not alone. Phoenix Recovery Hub was set up by people who’ve been on both sides of this, and we know how heavy it is. The pages below are a starting point.

Quick links: Signs to look out for · Looking after yourself · What do I say? · Support groups for you · If you’re a partner · If you’re a parent · Worried about the kids · In an emergency

When you’re worried about someone

Most families don’t suddenly realise the person they love has a problem. It creeps up. The changes are small, then explained away, then explained away again. By the time you’re certain, you’ve often been carrying the weight on your own for months or years.

You’re not being paranoid. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen to it.

Common things families notice

  • Behaviour changes: secretive, defensive, lying about where they’ve been, mood swings that don’t match the situation.
  • Money: cash going missing, items being sold, requests to borrow that never get paid back, unexplained debt.
  • Physical: tired all the time or wired all the time, weight changes, sleep all over the place, neglected personal care.
  • Withdrawing: dropping out of family things, stopping seeing old friends, missing work, hobbies they loved going quiet.
  • Mood: shame, irritability, snapping over nothing, then guilt, then big promises, then the cycle starts again.

Recognising several of these doesn’t mean someone is definitely using, but it does mean a conversation needs to happen at some point.

Looking after yourself: boundaries

This is the hardest part for most families. You love them. You want to fix it. So you cover bills, lie to their employer, drive them to A&E at 3am, then do it again next week. None of it is wrong on its own, but if it goes on for years it costs you your own health, your relationships, and sometimes your home.

Boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re how you stay well enough to be there for the long haul. The goal isn’t to stop loving them. It’s to stop being the only thing holding their world together while they keep using.

Examples of boundaries that work

  • “I’m not going to lend you money any more, but I’ll happily buy the kids’ shoes.”
  • “You can come for Sunday lunch, but not if you’ve been drinking.”
  • “I’ll come to a doctor’s appointment with you, but I’m not phoning your boss again.”
  • “I’ll always answer your call, but I won’t argue with you when you’re high.”

The pattern is the same: state what you will do, state what you won’t, and then follow through. That last bit is the hard part. A boundary you don’t enforce is just a wish.

Two things about all of the above. The examples assume the person doesn’t live with you. If they do, some of it needs rethinking, and it’s worth talking it through with somebody before you change anything.

And all of it assumes it’s safe for you to say no to this person. For some people it isn’t. If you’ve already worked out what to say to keep the peace, or if saying no has ever ended with you hurt, shouted at until you gave in, or left without money, then boundary-setting is the wrong tool and it can make tonight worse rather than better. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open all night on 0808 2000 247. Ring them before you change anything at home. Ringing doesn’t commit you to leaving, or to anything else.

If you find yourself thinking “I can’t say that, they’ll spiral”, pay attention to it, because it can mean two very different things. It can mean you’ve got so used to managing their mood that you’ve stopped counting your own. That’s what the family groups below are full of and what they’re good at. Or it can mean you’ve learned the hard way what happens when you say no. Only you know which one it is. If it’s the second, ring the number in the paragraph above first.

“What do I say?”

There’s no script that always works. But there are openers that tend to land better than others.

What tends to help

  • Lead with care, not blame: “I love you and I’m worried” beats “You need to sort yourself out.”
  • Talk when they’re sober. Conversations during a bender don’t stick.
  • Use “I” not “you”: “I feel scared when I can’t reach you” lands differently to “You’re so selfish.”
  • Be specific. “I noticed you missed the kids’ parents’ evening” is harder to argue with than “You’re never around.”
  • Ask, don’t lecture: “What would help right now?” opens a door. A speech closes one.

What tends to backfire

  • Ultimatums you won’t follow through on. They learn quickly that you don’t mean it.
  • Trying to reason with someone who is high or drunk. Wait until tomorrow.
  • Researching rehab and presenting them with a plan. Recovery has to be theirs, not yours.
  • Comparing them to other people. Every recovery story is different.

It’s also okay to say “I can’t keep watching this happen.” That’s not giving up on them. That’s telling the truth.

Support groups for you

The single most useful thing most families do is talk to other families who get it. There are mutual-aid groups for the people around addiction, not just for the person using. They’re free, anonymous, and they don’t judge.

  • Al-Anon: for families and friends of someone with a drink problem. Meetings across the UK and online. al-anonuk.org.uk
  • Nar-Anon: same model, for those affected by someone else’s drug use. nar-anon.co.uk
  • Adfam: UK charity supporting families affected by drugs, alcohol or gambling. Helpline, online chat and resources. adfam.org.uk
  • Addiction Family Support: one-to-one and group support for families. Phoenix is currently raising money for them through Ryan’s Three Peaks Challenge. addictionfamilysupport.org.uk
  • GamAnon: for those affected by someone else’s gambling. gamanon.org.uk

Local Doncaster options are listed in our Family & Loved Ones Support directory.

If you’re a partner

Being the partner of someone in active addiction can feel like running a household, a business and an A&E ward all at the same time. A few things worth knowing:

  • You don’t have to leave to set boundaries. But you also don’t have to stay. Both are valid.
  • Money in your own name matters, and so does how you go about it. A separate bank account, knowing where the bills are, your name on the tenancy or the mortgage. Whether you’re staying or going, that protects you. One caution: if they go through your post, your phone or your banking, don’t start any of that today. Ring 0808 2000 247 first and ask how to do it without it being found. They do exactly this every day and they’ll know things you won’t.
  • Domestic abuse can travel with addiction. If you’re scared of them, that’s information. National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 is free, 24/7, and confidential.

If you’re a parent

Parents carry a particular kind of weight: the feeling that you should have seen it coming, or could have done something differently. The truth is that addiction has dozens of contributing factors, and “what you did or didn’t do as a parent” is rarely the deciding one.

  • Stop blaming yourself. Easier said than done, but it gets in the way of being useful to them now.
  • Your other children matter too. Siblings of someone in addiction often quietly take a back seat for years. Make space for them.
  • If your adult child is using and they’re around your grandchildren, it’s okay to set rules about when they can visit and what state they need to be in.
  • You can love them and refuse to fund their habit. Those two things aren’t a contradiction.

If you’re worried about what happens to the kids

Nearly everyone we speak to who has children has done the same maths, usually at three in the morning: if I tell anybody about this, will they take them off me. If that’s the sum you’ve been doing, you’re not being dramatic and you’re not the only one.

Nobody can tell you what would happen in your family from a website, and anyone who says they can is guessing with your kids. What can be said honestly is what usually happens. Children’s services work with families to keep them together where they can, because that is what they are set up to do. Most contact with them does not end with a child being removed. And a parent who has asked for help is generally treated as somebody doing something protective, not as somebody handing over evidence.

You are also allowed to ask before you commit to anything. Ring Aspire’s family support on 03000 213 900 and ask them straight out what a referral would actually involve and who gets told what. You don’t have to give your name, or theirs, to ask a question. They get asked this constantly and it is a fair thing to want to know first.

If a child is in danger right now, that’s different and it’s 999.

In an emergency

If you think they’ve taken an overdose, are seriously hurt, or are at immediate risk to themselves or others, call 999. Don’t second-guess it.

If you can’t wake them, that is a medical emergency whatever they’ve taken. Ring 999, then look at whether they are actually breathing. Occasional gasping, snoring or gurgling is not breathing, and it is the thing people most often mistake for someone sleeping it off.

  • If they are not breathing, or only gasping, tell the 999 handler those exact words. They will talk you through chest compressions and stay on the line. Do exactly what they say. Don’t put them on their side.
  • If they are breathing, put them on their side so they don’t choke if they’re sick, and stay with them.

There is more on overdose, naloxone and why a break from using makes it more dangerous on our safety page. If you are the family member of someone using opiates, it is worth reading before you need it.

For anything that isn’t life-threatening but you don’t know what to do:

Ask a pharmacy, your GP or Aspire on 03000 213 900 about naloxone. It’s free, it reverses an opioid overdose long enough for an ambulance to arrive, and carrying it isn’t a sign you’ve given up on them.

You’re not alone

The hardest part of being the family is feeling invisible. The person using gets the appointments, the support workers, the rehab beds. You get a phone that won’t stop ringing and nobody asking how you’re doing.

That’s the gap Phoenix wants to close. If you’d like to talk to us, share something, or get pointed at the right service, drop us a message. We answer everything. Tell us how it’s safe to get back to you, and if it isn’t safe at all, say that and we won’t.

If this page would help someone else you know, share it. The more families talking about this honestly, the less weight any one family has to carry on their own.